Fresno

Poor Fresno. A city that ends with "no" never really had a chance, did it? This city, now the sixth-largest in California (it's bigger than Oakland and Sacramento, as well as Atlanta and Cincinnati), is often the butt of Californians' jokes. A magazine once rated it the worst place to live in America, and a miniseries lampooning Fresno was broadcast on CBS. There are nice parts of town, however, and the good thing about Fresno is that if you want to leave, you don't have far to go: Yosemite, Kings Canyon, and Sequoia National Parks are an hour or two away by car, L.A. is a four hour drive, and San Francisco is three hours away. If you like day or weekend trips, this is a good base from which to see California. Despite the ignominy of being a test marketing ground for fast food chains, there are places where you can enjoy a great ethnic meal and not suffer a month from a nasty aftertaste. The Tower District is the one big must in Fresno: this neighborhood, with its great restaurants and quirky shops, smacks of old California, when the pace of life was slow, everyone lived in bungalows, and crazy San Francisco seemed a million miles away. Explore around here cause there isn't much of old California left!

WHAT TO SEE: There's nothing to see. See above for places out of town that you can visit.

WHAT TO DO: There's nothing to do. Hang out for an evening in the Tower District. There is a decent shopping center, Fig Garden Village, on the northeast corner of Palm and Shaw.

WHAT NOT TO DO: Unfortunately, the city fathers believed that accepting bribes from developers was more important than creating any sense of community in this town. Therefore, the town has ravaged surrounding farmland and will border Sacramento in about 10 years. Meanwhile, anything south of Shaw Avenue (or Big Box Boulevard) is falling apart. The town once had a vibrant downtown, but sadly, it's now in shambles. Driving downtown at night is not recommended unless you want to take a crap shot at getting carjacked.

Do not go to the Edwards Cinema Complex unless you want to pull your hair out. This has become the hip place in Fresno. The complex looks like something out of Las Vegas with its pseudo-oasis architecture, and the combined square footage of big box stores is large enough to house the North Korean and Iraqi armies. You will go insane trying to fine a parking place in what must be the most ridiculous layout ever.

WHERE TO EAT: Now we're talking! There are plenty of places. Bedrosian's Armenian Deli is a must (Armenians were once 25% of the city's population). Located at 3051 E. Ashlan, on the northwest corner of Ashlan and First, Johnni Bedrosian and his cadre of Armenian ladies whip up the best Armenian food north of Bakersfield. He's catered wedding receptions in the Bay Area because once you sample what has become a lost art, you'll constantly crave it! His koofta (spiced ground lamb inside a cracked wheat and lamb shell; they look like meatballs on steriods) is excellent, as is the vosp, a lentil concoction that you won't be able to stop eating. You can buy his goodies frozen or special order them: take home a bag of lahmajoon, flatbread topped with spiced ground meat. He cooks everything to order, and he LOVES to talk, so be sure you have a lot of time on your hands. The deli itself is wonderful: he's decorated it with family pictures, and you can order family style. This is the attraction in Fresno!

Another good Armenian Deli is Hye Deli, on the southwest corner of Bullard and Marks Avenues. It's owned by a sweet middle aged couple who will be thrilled if you are even 1/256th Armenian. Johnni doesn't do kebabs, so if you're a carnivore, you can get great sandwiches here. The chicken kebab is the best outside of Yerevan!

There are other ethnic groups, too. Orchid, on Blackstone and Sierra, has incredible Thai food. The owners are very sweet and friendly, and really make you feel welcome. Everything on their menu is outstanding! A good Lebanese place is Mediterranean Restaurant, on the northeast corner of Gettysburg and Fresno. Their hummus is to die for! A good Chinese restaurant is Shanghai on Dakota and Blackstone, but sometimes it's hit and miss: we've found the food disappointing at times, but their Chinese chicken salad, while hardly reminding you of the Forbidden City, is pretty darned tasty.

WHERE TO STAY: I'm sure my Auntie Helen would love to have you over, but you'd better ask me first. My Auntie Helen is an expert on vitamins and other homeopathic medicines and is a great host. But again, you'd better ask me. There are plenty of Motel 6's if you're on a budget.